Saturday, August 15, 2009

its been a while

so i thought i should post.

something i wrote back in july 2006:

a flicker of light flashes
into my eye
those dimming lights seem to fill my solitude
the farther you go, the deeper my passion grows
stumbling over roots and rocks
i try and find my way over this mountain to get to you
yet every time i start reaching the top
i look around and realize
im only standing on a pile of dirt.

i have no idea who i wrote that about, if it was even about anyone.
but i came across it while going through an old journal thing i found today.

the pictures from a couple years ago too.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

chinese food and laundry

that's what it smells like near my apartment building. in a strange way its comforting, maybe because i relate it to home, my own place, my resting place. whatever it is, i like it.

anyway. this is what my mind feels like right now:

yet strangely enough, lately i've been ridiculously anal about my organization and cleaning. funny how that works out. i guess its just easier to arrange the clutter of my material objects than to try and make sense of the things going on in my head. or even deal with them at all. i'd rather leave them untouched and scattered like the files in my picture. cause i mean honestly, look at that...would you want to clean that shit up?

i really just want to go back in time. swing on the swing set my dad built and run around barefoot in my backyard, which seemed like a much bigger and mysterious place when i was small. i just want to go back and explore again.


Monday, February 23, 2009

hot.face

1-i have a feeling i am slightly dyslexic, or am becoming so.
2-i love idioms.
3-i feel gross right now.

and here are b&w versions of some of what will be in my cyanotype book (it'll be finished on friday):





Tuesday, February 17, 2009

questions on a tangent

why do we like to keep memories of the most secretly painful things?

why do we chase after things that run from us?..and walk away from the things that call for us the most?

why do we say we hate drama but feel the most alive when we're wrapped up in it?

how do we find balance? isn't that when things work out just right?..when we feel like we've achieved a balance.

but in that seemingly peaceful balance doesn't there really lie heart-wrenching sacrifice and painful acceptance of the things we can't change in others? don't we give up a lot in order to feel more at peace?

why do we call ourselves intellectuals, when all it is is a bunch of people in a room agreeing with how smart they sound?

are we smarter because we all come to the same conclusion? by memorization or mimicking? maybe, just maybe...its common sense. or maybe its a load of bullshit.

'words devour words'

talk enough about something, talk it up, but in the end its still just whatever it is. no matter how much bullshit you're able to spew.

sure, you can talk it up. turn a wasteland into a wonderland. but what the fuck does that mean anyways? and who really gives a shit?

just because you're invested in something does it mean you really care about it?

does it mean there's some deeper meaning to what you're end result will be?

fuck no.

so why the fuck should we waste our time on trying to attach sentiment and meaning to every little thing we do?

why can't it just be about the way something looks? why can't it just be about how it makes us feel, without having to go into some deeper examination of what exactly it is that we're feeling and why?

why can't things just be? plain and simple, be.

why is it labeled pointless if they are?

why do we need to pick apart everything and give it a 'purpose'?

why put things under the microscope and analyze them to exhaustion?

maybe we should talk less talking and do more doing...and worry less about what it means.

if you get it, you get it. if you don't, you move on.

Friday, February 13, 2009

be mine?

um so, usually i dont really care about valentines day at all. even when i was in relationships i didnt really care, especially since usually we were in different countries on v-day. buuuut, im sick right now, have been in bed all day, am on robitussin with codiene and a few other meds and was watching Tyra...she setup all the single girls in the audience with single guys and had them all go out on dates on a yatch. a fucking yatch? really? (im on a boat motherfucker...)

soooo. i really want a valentine. i want a rose and dinner and all that crap.

i just want a lil love. is that too much to ask for?


(im blaming this post on the meds...and the tyra show)

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

just cause you preachin' baby,

don't make you no saint.







said i'm gonna pack my things


and go.











// didnt play by the rules. didnt follow the guidelines or even my own opinion. watched it fall apart in front of me, could have stopped myself before the words came out. but then id get what i want. and i dont. instead i pay the price of impatience and thoughts that cant be quieted. maybe i learn a little more each time but its a painful price. and every time,
it almost feels like the end. \\

Monday, February 9, 2009

tv on tv

i am a master at time wasting.

Saturday, February 7, 2009

yea.

I guess today is one of those days when you just wake up feeling like shit. Whatever.

My computer's a bitch and wouldn't let me upload a picture until now. These are from last year, silver prints. Not much to say right now. I think I'll go make some toast.